It seems like everyone is asking me if I’m excited for Halloween, being that it’s my favorite holiday and all. Seeing as how I decorated the house back in July with all my Halloween goodies, one would expect me to be excited, with a plan, expectations, and wearing a huge grin.

Except that, I’ve only been able to answer the question with a meek, “Eh.”

I’ve been feeling undecided about how to spend my evening. Should I dress up? Should I hand out candy? Should I drink rum + cokes and watch a horror movie? Should I trick-or-treat? Should I crash a party? None of it sounds very exciting to me. Not only single option makes me think, “Yeah, that would be fun!”

It’s very pathetic. And I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what the hell is wrong with me.

This is my first Halloween in years without a small child to fuss over. Seriously, Halloween with the kids is the best. Probably because I’m really just an oversized child (by some standards). Their excitement for the holiday mirrors my own, so dressing up, trick-or-treating, and then going through the massive stash at the end of the night made for good times and good memories.

Before, I would have gone out with friends. But now my friends have their own kids and families to celebrate with. Any that don’t are just staying in. I’m sure I could tag along with either my friends with kids, but I feel weirdly intrusive when I think about that scenario. I’ve been invited to help hand out candy, but…BORING! I would probably drive those friends bonkers with all my bouncing off the walls.

I’m broke. I have a major (financially completely irresponsible) trip coming up very soon and going out, drinking, paying tickets to anything, would all be prohibitively expensive. Same thing with anything involving a potluck. I end up blowing way more money than I should for something that should be more cost-friendly. I’m stupid like that.

I’m generally just kind of lonely right now. I don’t have a kid (anymore) and I don’t have a partner to bounce ideas off and be generally obnoxious with my high-octane energy. Now, I’m not one of those people that looks at couples or couples with kids and gets dramatically bent out of shape (because that’s really stupid, selfish, and emotionally retarded), but I am worried about being overly awkward and ridiculous with people who want something a little more mellow.

I made plans with my mom to go trick-or-treating, which was the most awesome sounding option I had on my plate. Except that bitch (love her) canceled on me last night “just in case a trick-or-treater comes by”. Whatevs.

Thank the Gods my sister is coming to my rescue. Her family (from the tree to its apples) is certifiably insane.

Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early, put my Halloween face on, dress up, maybe even enter myself into the office costume contest (for the first time in the 11 Halloweens I have celebrated there). I’ll go trick-or-treating with my nieces in the evening, drink some adult beverage with my sis, and eventually stumble home.

Still, something doesn’t feel right with me. Tomorrow will come and it will go. Maybe I’ll look back and wish I did something more, but I doubt I’ll spend too much time thinking of it. Afterall, Christmas has become my second Halloween. Thank goodness my family still loves me in spite of it.

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